At one point in our lives, we all have a first love. Some have them when they are young, and some have them when they are somewhat older. There are early bloomers and late bloomers. Either way, everyone experiences their first love at some point in their life and most never forget it. I experienced mine at the ripe old age of 22 and even though it has been over for a year plus, I am still thinking about it. I have come to the conclusion, I will never forget.
All of my friends and family know the story behind it, it is definitely one for the ages. They know how it began and know how it ended. However, the middle part, that middle part, is what I cannot forget. Sure there were arguments, fights and all around “bad moments,” but hidden in there somewhere were some amazing times. Dinners, trips, movies, and adventures, those are what make me constantly think of my first love.
The love part ended in a hurry, but then took a long time to get over. I was hurt, I was injured, “I was a wounded bird.” (Quote courtesy Boy Meets World, episode: Eric Hollywood) I was unable to function as a normal, guy looking to move on. However, as time has past, as I have recovered, I have been able to lock the bad in a place in my brain that is difficult to find. On the other hand though, the good has stayed front in center and makes an appearance often.
In so many respects she was not the perfect girlfriend. She was smothering and vindictive. She did not understand my life, my family and where I was coming from. She ran my life while simultaneously ruining it. None of these are qualities people look for in a significant other.
However, what makes it all so interesting, and why she will never leave my mind, even with all the hurt, pain and anger, was that she was had a part of her that made her the perfect girlfriend. Contradiction, I know, this whole relationship is a perfect case study for a therapist. She cared for me and knew my interests. She made events special by doing the little things that would make anyone smile. She cared about my friends and took a true interest in who they were. When we were together, doing whatever, 98% of the time, we had fun, whether it be trying to find a restaurant to eat at in Lexington, or just lounging around. These are the parts of a woman that are hard to find. However, when coupled with the bad, maybe even the horrible, they become lost and overshadowed.
Along with reminiscing about the past and our relationship together, I think about the present. I do wonder what she is doing now, what her life is like right now. I know that we will never be friends and can never be friends, too much hate was spewed on both ends, but I have thought about contacting her. I would never do it, and never plan on doing it, but I would be a liar if the I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. 5 months together and then it ended, quickly, and then prolonged. It might have only been 5 months, but she played such an important role in my life (negatively and positively), that it is odd to think we will never speak again. This is just an example of the theory that you never get over your first love, I am living proof.
Way back in January, I wrote a blog entry entitled, “It is too bad you were crazy.” Upon reading this you will discover that then, I was still comparing all women to her. It is now June and that has yet to change. I think of the good, how she did things that made me smile and feel special, and I wonder if I will ever find that again, of course without all the crazy. It is bound to happen, I know that, it just a matter of time. No matter what though, when she enters my life, on that day, I will still be comparing my current love to my first love, and that is something I have to come to grips with.
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